My Struggle with Anxiety

I started the lockdown with a lot of motivation. Started publishing more posts, cooking every day, created a good working environment for myself but gradually I lost all the motivation. I thought things would be easier by now. But you know what? It’s not getting any easier. It’s not getting any better. And I’m really struggling. I’m not thriving in this home isolation environment. Things I normally rely on to keep myself sane – going to work, visiting friends, travelling – do not feel safe or responsible to do.

Anxiety has hit me hard these last couple of months. I am losing sleep and when I do sleep, I wake up worrying about things I’ve forgotten to do (most of them too silly to be worried about). I’m feeling extremely uncomfortable, lost, irritable and exhausted every day. I get a pit of feeling in my gut and the sense that something is off but can’t pin point on what it is. I overthink most of the situations I’m in and keep second guessing my decisions. My thoughts leave me uncertain and I wobble between anger and fear, sadness and worry. My energy has depleted.

I keep telling myself that I’m extremely fortunate, I don’t have anything to worry about. I have a good job; my friends and family are safe and healthy.  I know my experience pales in comparison to what so many people are battling day after day. So why can’t I shake this negativity?

As a highly sensitive, emotionally charged Pieces, I’m empathetic to a fault. Especially with everything going on in the world right now. Not just the pandemic but also the after effects like the loss of jobs. I’m seeing so much of this in the field that I’m in and it makes me feel so helpless. People with years and years of experience suddenly made redundant. My focus has felt jilted in a lot of ways, and while I was able to hone in creatively during the early period of the lockdown, I’ve now completely lost focus. All I do is binge watch Netflix. This is something that I have never been able to do before. I tear up for no particular reason. I don’t feel like doing anything, not even baking which I used to love.

Some days are better than others, and sometimes it seems like we might be getting closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I handle the challenges of 2020 with relative grace and maybe even a little levity. And others? Well, other days feel like we are going to be stuck in this awfulness forever. I lash out at the people I love most about little things or stuff that has nothing to do with them and I can’t seem to stop. And then there are days I have to resist the urge to put my head down on my desk and cry.

I have been trying to start with fixing my sleep schedule hoping that that would be a start. Heard Lavender has a calming effect so bought body wash, Body butter, essential oil and even a Room Freshener. Every night I have a bath, use my body butter and sprinkle a few drops of the oil on my pillow before sleep. I try to stay away from my mobile. More often than not I succeed but that hasn’t helped either. I’ve also been reading lots of articles to figure it out on my own: exercise, breathing, peppermint tea before bed, meditation. But still struggling.

Logically I do know that we will get through this. The pandemic will end. There will be a vaccine. Eventually things will go back to “normal,” or something more closely resembling normal. But in the meantime, this is hard. And it’s okay to admit that. My reason for sharing this post today is simple. I just want to remind anyone who is reading this and feeling something similar now, that you are not alone. We are all going through something. I’m just trying to remind myself as I type this, the bad passes eventually. My hope, for both me and you, is that you can remember that when it gets dark and you don’t know how to move forward, you will find a way. One step at a time.

I don’t want sympathy, or advice. I don’t have any tips to share on how I’m combating these feelings yet because I’m still in the process of sorting that out. Sometimes the simple things that make me feel better, is knowing that I’m not alone, there’s someone else who’s going through it as well. I feel like a huge weight off my chest just by acknowledging and writing about it. Despite all the bitterness 2020 has instilled in me thus far, I hope I can get to a point where this is all behind me!

PS: I couldn’t find words to conclude, so using Krystal’s as they sum up exactly how I’m feeling

Roast Pork

After a whirlwind of posts at the beginning of the lockdown, I hit a roadblock. With no inspirations striking I decided to look further at my cooking experiments.

I have never cooked pork before. Just eat the Vindaloo that mom usually cooks. My brother doesn’t really like that so when she cooks it, only I have to finish it. So, thought about coming up with something that we both can enjoy. After a bit of experimenting came up with this recipe that we both now enjoy.

This disk is Absolutely incredible. Roasted pork look beautiful, taste amazing and create their own sauce when cooked in the oven, mixing through the flavours.

This time I used the cooker. Next time I’m going to try roasting it completely in the over and see if there is any difference on the flavours. I tried the recipe out with both ribs and normal cut pieces and both turned out amazing.

Ingredients

• ½ Kg Pork cut into pieces
• 1 tsp Cinnamon powder
• 1 tsp Pepper powder
• 1 tsp Chilli powder
• 1 tbsp Soya sauce
• 1 tsp Balsamic vinegar
• 1 tsp White vinegar
• 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• 5-6 pods of Garlic finely chopped
• 1 Onion thinly sliced
• 1 Red pepper thinly sliced
• 1/2 teaspoon parsley, chopped

Method

1. In a bowl, mix the cinnamon, pepper, chilli powder, soya sauce, vinegar, Worcestershire sauce.
2. Marinade the pork with the mixture above for about 1-2 hours.
3. If the meat is tough, then you can put it in the cooker for 2 whistles. Otherwise 1 is fine.
4. Preheat oven to 180°C.
5. Arrange the cooked meat in a single layer along with half the juice from the cooker on a prepared baking dish.
6. Add the garlic, onion & red pepper slices on top and roast in the hot oven.
7. After 5 minutes, baste with half of the reserved juice and continue roasting for 5 minutes till the pork turns crisp.

 

10 THINGS I’M GRATEFUL FOR!

-We have never been as connected or as isolated as we are now!

Just a few weeks ago I was reading an article about the novel coronavirus, and there was a line that really struck me. It said, “It’s only a matter of time before you know someone who has it.” That scared me because I knew it was probably true. Since then, I have been stress-scrolling through social media, my eyes gobbling up every single corona-virus update possible. And then I caught myself: There are better ways to cope. So, I thought about writing a post on things that I am grateful for. I see the sad stories of the migrants and am feeling more and more grateful for what I have.

Family time – We as a family haven’t really been spending too much time together off late. All of us were busy in our own little worlds. This lock-down has given us time with each other. We are watching movies, playing games and eating together as family. Of course we still have our fighting matches and do drive each other crazy but I wouldn’t have it any other way! Sometimes I do feel like I’m going crazy, but having my family with me is something I’m incredibly grateful for.

Catch-up with the team – At office, we are all so busy and running around like headless chickens most of the time. During the lock-down, we have daily morning catch-ups that started to give us updates on what is happening but now has become a time for all of us to catch-up and have a laugh, share ideas on how to entertain kids, tips on which delivery app is delivering etc. I really cherish this time that we have together.

Reading – I love to read but with the new job I haven’t had much time and the books have been piling up. I have had time to catch up with my reading and now I’m running out of books!

Cooking – As I said in my previous post, I love to cook but don’t feel like cooking after I get back home. Now as I am home all the time, if I feel like eating something nice, I just go in the kitchen and whip it up. Thai Chicken, Chilli Beef, Mug brownie, Chicken salad have been my go to lately. So easy and quick to make.

Hair Care – I oil my hair about once a week but this is not enough as I have very dry hair. I don’t have the time or inclination to do this during the week so I’m using this time that I have to oil my hair at-least twice a week and I have seen the texture improve a lot. Trying out DIY hair masks with Methi seeds and that’s working too.

Skin Care – I read all these beauty blogs and have bought all these serums, creams, face masks, sheet masks but hardly use them as I’m either too busy or too lazy. During this lock-down have been making good use of those. Also trying out some DIY face masks. Hopefully, I’ll come out of it with better skin

Declutter – I have been slowly decluttering one drawer at a time. Giving away clothes and building a sustainable wardrobe has been great. Also, have been rearranging furniture, getting rid of unused stuff at home

Hanging out with my pet – I love my dog! I take her on walks, cuddle with her. Working with her sleeping near my feet has been great. I have to just look at her and feel my anxiety levels come down

Sleeping in – Not having to dress up and travel to work has given me time to sleep in. I am so grateful for the extra 1 hour that I get every morning

Blogging – My creative juices have been buzzing and I have already written 3 posts since I have been home

Exercise – I really wish I can add this to the list but sleeping in has been taking precedence, but I hope to change it

Chilli Beef

I love experimenting with new dishes. Especially Pan-Asian ones. This one is simple with very little ingredients and overall taste is so so good. The chilli oil in this recipe gives the dish that extra element of taste. I tried this out with beef, but you can use any meat really. You can serve it over rice or have it as a side. It works both ways.

Ingredients

• ½ Kg beef
• 1 tablespoon chilli oil
• 1tablespoon brown sugar. Can use normal granulated sugar too
• 2tablespoons hoisin sauce
• 2tablespoons soy sauce
• 1teaspoon chilli sauce or more if you like it spicy
• 1teaspoon grated fresh ginger
• 3cloves garlic minced
• 1red bell pepper chopped
• Garnish (optional): spring onions, sesame seeds

Instructions

1. Boil the beef in a cooker. Add it to a skillet and fry it till it Brown’s a bit. If there’s a lot of excess fat, drain it.
2. Take the pan off the heat and stir in the sauce ingredients (chilli oil, sugar, hoisin sauce, soy sauce, chilli sauce, ginger, and garlic).
3. Reduce the heat to medium and return the pan to the heat. Add the red pepper pieces. Cook for a few more minutes, stirring often, until the peppers are tender-crisp. Add the garnish as desired.

Working from Home

Currently working from home but dreaming about the days when I could go around without any worries. So uploading those pictures of happier times.

I didn’t realise how much of a social creature I was until I was forced to stay at home. I always thought that I’d be comfortable with it and love it. But, I actually miss going to work!! Who would have thought that working from home would be such a struggle?!! It makes me feel so isolated even though I live with my family. I get a stir crazy need to see other people. There’s absolutely no perfect balance when it comes to working from home but here are some things, I’ve learned that are working for me. Some of these may seem a bit obvious but they need to be said! There are some tips here that may seem contradictory, you can always pick what works the best for you and go from there.

Have a start and finishing time and stick to it – I feel starting early is better. I feel good when I end earlier and get a little me time

Know your most productive times – We all have our most productive times of the day, and often they aren’t 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. So, pay attention to the times when you’re really in the zone and then structure your day accordingly.Personally , sticking to a start and finish time works for me. But some people I have spoken to say this works for them so do what works for you.

Make a to do list – This always help me prioritise better and stress less. Putting those tick marks against completed tasks gives me a feeling of accomplishment.

Do the most painful tasks first – When you have done these, tackling the rest of the day will be so much easier.

Always get dressed, do some light makeup — Never work in your pajamas, this is a slippery slope to feeling terrible. You’ll feel so much better and in turn be more productive. Psychologically, what you see in the mirror matters – a well dressed self inspires productivity.This helps some people have a mindset shift too.

Create a designated work space – Carve out a space in your home that’s entirely dedicated to working. You need a place where you can work, take phone calls, and feel professional on a daily basis.

Switch up your work environment — Whenever you’re feeling like you’re suffering from lack of motivation, switch up your environment! Also, maybe it just means switching up your “home office view” from day to day (if you have the space). Moving from the desk to a table near a window etc. Not the bed!

Take breaks but keep them timed – Coffee breaks, lunch breaks can go on and on if you let it.

Notice your distraction and keep them at bay – If you’re tempted by WhatsApp, the continuous stream of forwards then, keep your phone away or on silent mode. Stay away from the bedroom or you might be tempted to take a nap.

Talk to people – If you feel like you need company, you can talk to a like minded colleague or friend for a bit.

Commit to shutting off at the end of the day – The one downside to working from home? It’s hard to know when to shut off, it becomes a blurry line of when to stop. Sometimes it’s necessary to shut down the computer and be present. The work will always be there tomorrow. Scratch down a few notes if you’re in the middle of an idea, take care of any pressing deadlines, and then close the laptop.

Lastly, Take advantage of being home – Yes, there are some perks. We save the commute time, spend more time with family, workout. I like to cook, but after coming home from a long day at work cooking is the last thing that I want to do. I take some time out to cook during the day or after I switch off in the evening and it feels so good.